Growing Through My Insecurities

Over the years, people have told me I am a very confident person but was I really? Can confidence and insecurity co-exist in one body?

For a very long time, I was very insecure about my body. I’ve met a few people who said they wished they had my body type or size. Some have said how beautiful my collar bones look. On the other hand, some have said some pretty unkind things about my body. However, I had internalized most of the negatives that the positives, flagged in my head as lies.

Growing up in Nigeria and seeing things that mainstream media is feeding us, beauty has sometimes been interpreted as curvaceous, voluptuous and thick. Even I love thick women; they’re the gift that keeps giving.

However, for a while, I didn’t really like my body because I wasn’t thick, voluptuous and curvaceous. I felt I didn’t have the perfect body. The fact that I could hardly find my size of clothes didn’t help either. The clothes were usually too big so I had only two options; leave and not buy or buy and slimfit the outfit (s).

So, I began to hide. I hid myself wearing only baggy outfits because I didn’t want people to see how skinny I was, hence having them drop insensitive comments. I admired people who I thought had better bodies than I did and told myself, ‘maybe if I put on just a little weight, I would look better in clothes’ or ‘maybe people would stop commenting about my weight or how skinny I am’.

At the tail end of 2020, something changed. I really cannot lay a finger on it but I had a mindset change. I have no idea if it was birthed by conversations or if I had just had enough. I just knew I wasn’t satisfied with the life I had and I wanted more. Thankfully, I got a new job around the time so I had some spare cash to feed into every new venture I wanted to explore.

I started with my wardrobe. I knew I needed a closet overhaul but I couldn’t really tell what my style was. I am still on the journey to discovering that and I even spoke to a few people about it ( cue – @larabillionaire on Twitter. An absolute sweetheart and a fashionista). I decided to start safe so I hopped on H&M first because I had shopped there before and was sure of the quality I’d get. Some brands also reached out to me around the time (Thank you @femmeluxerefinery) and gave me the liberty to choose from a range of outfits on their site – see some of those outfits HERE).

 

They also sent me these gorgeous outfits:

Knitted Loungewear

 

This cute Ladies Loungewear

 

They also had a Black Bodysuit but was sold out in my size so I went with this gorgeous blue net dress

 

Then I moved on to makeup. Putting on makeup isn’t one of my favourite things to do, however, there’s an absolute confidence boost that comes with combining an effortless outfit with a simple, pretty makeup look. So, I decided to wear makeup more – at least once a week.

I reviewed my makeup collection and ditched my drugstore foundation and powder for Fenty Beauty and MAC. I was and still not great at wearing lashes but I worked with @offtheclock a few weeks ago who sent me 2 pairs of lashes and an eyeliner that doubles as a lash glue. Some makeup, check! I also started taking a lot more pictures and seeing a reflection of myself more often gave me such a confidence boost!

Well, guess what? The weight gain I chased for years trying to hit 2,500 calories a day, I gained just by being happy. I didn’t have to get on the scale but people could see and tell me that I was gaining weight and even looking at my pictures, I could tell that a babe was gaining both bodyweight and ‘heart weight’ – I was genuinely happy with myself.

I’m not exactly on a 100 with every single thing about me but I’m happier, more confident and challenging myself more to be the best version of myself. After all, we only get one chance at this thing called life; we might as well get the most out of it! If this resonates with you, please share and tag me @thetosinolaniyi I would love to read from you!

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